When Support Fades, but You're Still Healing
By Savannah Herrman | IG: @savannah_herrman35
When I was 7 years old, I was diagnosed with anxiety and ADHD/ADD. Because I was so young, I went to therapy to learn coping mechanisms for when I felt panic attacks coming on as a way to treat the problems I was having. I was so young that I had no idea what was going on.
As I grew up, things just faded on their own until I was put under more stress throughout my recruiting process for lacrosse and high school as a whole. My panic attacks became severe and more regular. I ended up going on medication to treat and calm my nerves. They continued to improve for the rest of high school.
Then I got to college and, through my first semester, hit a lot of bumps along the road. I had a hard time finding my people in a place I so deeply loved.
I struggled.
I cried.
I missed home.
In the spring semester of my first year in school, I tore my ACL on March 26th and had surgery on April 18th. The freakiest part about tearing my ACL was that my twin sister did it as well, 3 weeks before me, on the same day. We go to different schools and it was hard not having each other close by during this time.
My mental health didn’t struggle when I expected it to. Because of the history around my mental health, I thought that this was gonna rip me to shreds. However, what I thought would happen didn’t.
Post-operation was hard, but this is when everyone checks in because the hardship is visible to the naked eye. In this moment, so many people offer you help and guidance. At the beginning, I did not expect this to be the easiest part of my journey, but it was.
Once I was off crutches, and even now, people assume I am fine. In reality, I’m an emotional wreck.
Over that summer, I continued physical therapy with my sister, and we always tried our hardest to get back to lacrosse. We constantly had each other over the summer to talk about how things were going.
When my second year of college started, I had to go see a PT off campus. They were very nice and helpful, but I continued to struggle to gain strength; it felt like a huge setback.
However, when I went home for winter break, I was back with my physical therapist and I was informed that my quad was close to the percentage it needed to be at to start running again.
I was so excited coming back to school, and not long into my second semester that year, I started jumping and running after what felt like an eternity.
Little did I know how slow things would feel.
Being a collegiate athlete has always been my dream, and I am where I am now because of my dedication to the sport. Due to my passion and love for the game, it is really hard to sit by and watch my friends compete in a sport every day when I cannot do it yet. It is hard to show up happy and 100% at practice.
I constantly feel the pressure to “put on a brave face” to ensure everyone I am fine, even if I’m not.
Nobody talks about this phase where progress is slow, and you feel frozen in time while everyone around you continues at a pace you can’t compete with.
I feel stuck.
I feel weak.
I feel useless.
I feel tired.
But that’s okay to feel how I feel because my recovery is my own.
If you are at a spot like this right now, know that you aren’t dramatic or weak. You are allowed to feel these things because you are in recovery.
You deserve the support you know you need to get through this. Now, I have people in my life who constantly make me feel supported. I have found a home away from home. Even though, as of right now, I am still not back to playing and I continue to struggle showing up happy to practice every day, I know that I can come home from a long day to a strong support system that listens, and sometimes that's all you need to get by.
