What My Sports Injury Taught Me About Strength

By Caitlin Walsh | IG: @caitlinwalsh12_

People talk about injuries as just a physical setback. Unfortunately, with many injuries I have faced throughout my athletic career, I discovered it is so much more than that. From social changes, identity loss, feelings of anxiety, depression, dealing with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and more struggles, I have found out that a physical injury is just as much of a mental battle. 

I am currently a junior on the women’s lacrosse team at Saint Anselm College in Manchester, NH. I was forced to medically retire from lacrosse this past year following multiple knee surgeries. It was a difficult decision, but it was the right decision. I want to talk about my story and experiences to hopefully help other people who are going through a similar experience, and to let them know it does get better. Last spring was the hardest time of my life, and now I am thriving and the happiest I have ever been, which would not have been possible without reaching out for help and using my resources, and talking about what I was going through. 

I have played sports my whole life. By the time I was 5, I was already playing ice hockey and softball. From then on, my whole life was filled by all sorts of sports. All of my time was spent either at the field or at the ice rink where I formed my first friendships and love for team sports. I couldn’t imagine my life without involvement in sports. In 7th grade, a lot of my friends had made the switch from softball to lacrosse and I followed the crowd. It came so naturally to me, and my love for the sport was strong and constantly growing. My youth coaches were wondering where I was earlier, and said I was a natural. I immediately started playing club lacrosse. I quit ice hockey so I could focus on lacrosse. Lacrosse became my whole life. Ultimately, it turned into being my outlet, whether I was happy, sad, anxious, stressed, I would go play wall ball and shoot either at the field or in my backyard. It immediately made me feel better and I was determined to make varsity for my high school and play lacrosse at the college level. 

My freshman year of high school, the lacrosse season was unfortunately cancelled due to COVID. I was so upset, but I used that time to work even harder on all things lacrosse. I was out in the yard everyday for hours working on my shot and stick skills. I would spend hours watching youtube videos and films on how to be a better player. I loved it. At the start of summer of 2020, I was at the first club lacrosse practice since lockdown. I played for the New Hampshire Tomahawks. I was so excited to go back and see all my teammates, because it had been so long since I'd last seen them or gotten the chance to play with other people. At the end of practice, I dodged like normal, but felt a pop in my knee. I thought I just twisted it a weird way, and it kept buckling, but I had a gut feeling something was wrong. I could still walk, so I didn’t think much of it. I iced and went to the doctors where I received an MRI that ended up being clean. I still sat out for 6 weeks per doctor’s orders. I spent this time working more and more on my stick skills. 

6 weeks later, I came back, and was still in so much pain. My knee was so unstable and I knew something was wrong. I played on it because I didn’t want to have to sit out so close to college recruitment season and avoided telling anyone about the pain. That spring, I couldn’t take it anymore. Every practice and game I was in tears after due to the pain. I went back to the doctor, and got another MRI. They discovered that my ACL was torn. I had been playing on a torn ACL for months following an incorrect MRI. The relief I felt was insane, because I thought I was finally going to get it fixed and my athletic career would return back to normal, not playing in pain. At the end of my sophomore season in June of 2021, I got surgery to repair my ACL.

I knew I had a long journey ahead, but also that it would be worth it. Going to physical therapy, sitting on the sideline seeing my teammates play the sport I loved was so hard but helped push me even more to get back to the field. I tried my best to be supportive and not talk about these feelings for the sake of my teammates. Everyone always made sure to check in, which made me feel supported. My support systems were amazing during this time as my friends and family continued to help me through my recovery process. This recovery was definitely one of the hardest things I had done. I felt extremely isolated and my anxiety was creeping up on me. I honestly started to fall out of love with the sport during the recovery. It was hard to keep myself motivated, but I finally got fully cleared to play lacrosse again spring of my junior year. It took me 11 months to fully come back, but it was so worth it. I remember when my surgeon cleared me, I started crying and was just so happy. I felt like I was on top of the world. My first goal back from ACL surgery was amazing. All of my teammates hugged me and supported me. It was really a great feeling that I will cherish forever.

I definitely had mental blocks and anxiety during my process of returning to playing. I remember people being like “just dodge, why are you overthinking it”. But I literally couldn't. It was definitely weird because I wanted to, but I just didn’t trust my body yet. I remember in PT it took me 2 weeks just to be able to do a box jump. I would stand there staring at the box, and couldn't do it. The same thing happened with dodging. I was terrified. I eventually eased myself into it and got used to it again, it was just a mental block. I always ran into people when I dodged, because I wasn’t used to the spacing yet. I remember being super frustrated when my shots and passes kept being way off, because I got so used to passing and shooting stationary, that playing at full speed felt like a different game. It took a lot of time and effort to get back to normal, but eventually I got close.  I wouldn’t say exactly back to where I was. I definitely was more in my head and more anxious about tearing my knee again. I was just happy to be playing. That summer I ended up committing to Saint Anselm College to play lacrosse, and was so happy and proud of myself. Even with a big obstacle in my recruiting process, I still managed to play in college.

My senior year of high school, I think all of the bottled up emotions from my ACL recovery finally boiled over, and it showed. I struggled with really bad anxiety and panic attacks. There was a point where I couldn’t leave my house without having one. I didn’t go to school for a few weeks. I remember being so embarrassed, confused and scared. I’d had anxiety my whole life, but this was a whole new level. I thought my world was ending. I was in therapy three times a week, and worked with my teachers and counselors to get me back to school. It was so hard to explain to my friends what was going on. Nobody really understood, but I was just so uncomfortable. I had constant panic attacks, fears of passing out, feeling off balance, feeling not real, dizzy, not eating, not being able to keep stuff down, it was literally a living hell. I couldn’t enjoy anything, even little things like going to the store with my mom, or watching a show. I was in my head the whole time. 

This was a turning point in my life for me. At first, I hid that this was an anxiety and mental health issue, and when my friends asked where I was, I said I was sick, but eventually I just started being real with people. It took a lot of courage to be honest, but it was a brave decision. From then on, I talked about it, and was proud of it. I went to therapy 3 times a week, using many techniques and other things, and finally felt comfortable again and was back in school 5 days a week, and back to playing lacrosse. It was so hard and I would never want to go back to that point in my life, but now I am totally comfortable talking about my mental health, and I have been told that I have helped a lot of my friends and people in general, by letting them know it's ok to not be ok. 

My senior year lacrosse season and freshman year season at college in the fall, I was constantly in pain. The pain would shoot up my patella tendon. I got the patella tendon graft for my ACL, but dealt with insanely painful soreness. Even little things like going up stairs would shoot paint through it. I remember thinking “ok so this is just my new normal”. I did exercises and iced after every time I would play, trying to make it feel better, but it never really did. My doctors and physical therapists said this is sometimes a side effect of the surgery and it's just patella tendonitis. It honestly was so draining being in pain all the time. Especially seeing my friends who had gone through ACL recovery coming back as an even better lacrosse player with no pain at all, it made me think “Why me?” but, I couldn’t control that, so was able to use my techniques I learned and therapy and took it as an opportunity to work even harder.

My freshman year of college, I retore my knee. I tore my patella tendon this time, and got surgery in January of 2024 to repair it. I redshirted my freshman season, and spent another season sitting on the sideline, supporting my teammates. I have truly amazing teammates in college, and it made this recovery so much easier. I also think knowing what to expect helped a lot. I joined a club on campus called the Headgame Project, which helped me during this time. I also made sure this time around to talk about how I'm feeling and went back to see my therapist who helped me through my senior year struggles. I also met with our team sports psychologist periodically. I was using all the resources given to me, which I didn't use last knee surgery, and it went a lot smoother. I took this time not playing to focus on myself, my mental health, and being a good teammate. I always tried to make people laugh. I loved going to practices and team related events, as well as just hanging out with my friends. It made me so happy to hear my friends laugh and just talk with them. 

I was fully cleared to play my sophomore year fall. I was even more timid this time, but honestly just happy to be playing. I was nervous about whether I would tear my knee again, but just enjoyed it. I was able to focus on the present and try and notice the anxiety, and not let it takover.I had so much fun in the fall, and started to get more comfortable playing wise. I was still having pain in my patella tendon, but accepted it and kept playing. I always would go to the trainer before and after practice, and keep up with my exercises. It was so tiring and draining, but I accepted this is how it's gonna be if I want to keep playing. I finally felt comfortable playing and had so much fun. Even though it wasn’t the exact plan I wanted, I was playing college lacrosse finally, and was so happy. My first goal back was amazing. All of my teammates were so happy and I felt so accomplished. I don't think I’ll ever feel the way I did that day again.

That sophomore year spring, the day before we left for spring break, I partially tore my patella tendon again at practice. It was a non contact dodge and I just went down. I knew right away and I was horrified because I didn’t want to do this whole thing again. An instant wave of anxiety came over me, nervous about how I would deal with this injury and recovery this time. I decided not to travel with my team for spring break. I had a panic attack later that day and was in a state of constant anxiety from then on. I had a lot of trouble getting to class, hanging out with friends, eating, which was similar to what I dealt with my senior year of high school, but now I didn't have lacrosse as an outlet. I scheduled surgery, but was really struggling with my mental health, so I kept cancelling and rescheduling. It was the hardest point in my life.I was constantly going back and forth in my head with decisions. If I didn't get surgery to fix it, I would never play lacrosse again, and it was such a hard decision to make, but after weeks of going back and forth, I decided not to get surgery, and to medically retire. At the moment, I didn't know if it was the right decision, but now looking back, it was for my mental and physical health. 

I went back to see my therapist at home again. I was in therapy 3 times a week. I lost nearly 20 pounds from not eating. I felt like my whole world was crumbling down. And I still had to be a student on top of it, and be the funny, lighthearted teammate everyone knew me to be. I would drive home from school three times a week to see my therapist. I even met with my team psychologist here too. I was so uncomfortable. I remember being scared to be alone, because I was so scared something bad would happen. My therapist and I had figured out that I was dealing with obsessive compulsive disorder, and probably had been my whole life, but always just thought it was anxiety. I was dealing with different types of it, and this time it was somatic OCD and harm OCD. I was so scared that I was going to harm myself, but I didn't want to, I was just getting intrusive thoughts of it. This also was the reason I was so scared of passing out and feeling dizzy and just off, it was OCD the whole time. I did extensive therapy called ERP therapy, which is getting your brain used to the idea of what you are scared to happen. It took weeks, but eventually I was back to my normal self. My teachers were so helpful and respectful during this time, and it really helped the whole situation. I had insane trouble getting to class and focusing, and they helped me out a lot. 

OCD therapy was one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. I think it is harder than both of my knee surgeries. To this day, only my mom, dad and sister, and maybe 3 of my friends know that I was dealing with OCD to this level and how much fear I really was feeling last year. I didn’t talk about that time as much with my friends, because I was honestly so scared and didn’t want them to think less of me. My therapists and parents helped me tons, and I wouldn’t be here without them. I just felt like I wasn’t in my body, and dealt with severe derealization as a result of the high anxiety felt from the OCD. I barely remember last spring. I still, through it all, tried to be the funny, energetic teammate I am, but it was hard. It gave me something else to focus on other than my own issues, and I eventually felt better. It took months, but I worked through one of the hardest times of my life. 

The decision to medically retire made me have panic attacks and amplified everything so much more, but a year later, I am so glad I made this decision. Now I help out my team by warming up the goalies, helping them out on plays, and using my lacrosse IQ to make them better. I also keep the energy high and lighthearted. I have been told by so many people that I help them with mental health struggles and that I am a strong person. It makes me really happy to hear and I am glad I can be a good person and teammate to people. I am not happy with how my athletic career has turned out, and it has taken me a while to be able to say this, but I honestly wouldn’t change it for the world. I have become the person I am today from these obstacles and I want to help people who are going through similar things. I have never felt so scared or lost as I did last year, and I want people to know that getting help is not a weakness. It is showing that you are strong and ask for help when needed. I use the techniques I have learned everyday, and now understand that I need to maintain my OCD by continuing therapy and doing self care techniques to stay on top of it. I am a better person because of these setbacks, and I really do believe everything happens for a reason. Yes, I'm not playing lacrosse like I had imagined I would have in college, but I have become a better, more thoughtful, more patient person than I ever thought anyone could be. And now I can help others by sharing my story.

I still have bad days. Some days it is hard to be there for my teammates and watch them play the sport that I used to love to play. But I take a step back, remember how much I have grown as a person, and eventually want to be helping them and supporting them again. I also sometimes still get panic attacks and have trouble going to classes and doing work, but I do my therapy techniques and remember that I have gotten through so much, so to keep going. I technically still have a partially torn patella tendon, and am still in pain most of the time, but I plan on getting surgery in the future when I absolutely need to. I manage it right now, but some days I definitely am in pain. But I think about how if I was playing lacrosse I would be in so much more pain, and that keeps me happy with my decision. It got to a point where I needed to put myself first and do what was best for me. That is one thing I have learned the past year, that it is ok to make hard decisions to benefit yourself, even if you feel like it's the wrong one. This past year has shown me that you are not your anxiety, and that you can’t let it control you. My whole life I have been an anxious kid, but now looking back and finding out that it was probably OCD the whole time, I have learned how to conquer it. I used to be petrified of airplanes and elevators and lots of other things, but have put in the work and shown myself that just because you feel anxious, doesn't mean something bad is going to happen. You can conquer your anxiety. I also don't ever feel 100% not anxious, I just now understand that I am allowed to feel anxiety and not be afraid of it. I have been able to train myself to sit with it and sit with the uncomfortable feeling, which I would not have figured out if I didn’t have to go through these obstacles.