Running on Empty

By Ally Furey | IG: @allyfurey

I remember being so excited for my freshman year. I was put on varsity cross country during summer running. My coach told me he saw so much potential in me, and that I could be an all-state runner in the future. However, during the end of eighth grade I had hit a growth spurt and gained 20 pounds. I felt slower and less able to keep up with the girls. I went to Google and social media for answers. I saw that all the "succesfull" female runners were rail-thin and I thought to myself I must be like that if I want to be great. I begin restricting, and counting my every calorie. I felt a euphoria every time the scale dropped a pound. I became obsessed. At first, my times dropped, so it seemed like it was working. I was determined to keep losing weight. Rice turned into cauliflower rice, and bread turned into lettuce wraps. I stopped eating out with my friends and family. By October of my freshman year, I had lost nearly 20 pounds since June. My energy began to dip and I felt sluggish during workouts. But I couldn't stop. I had to keep calorie counting and losing weight. In March of my sophmore year, my coach pulled me aside and said that he was worried about my weight. I shrugged him off, telling him that I had gotten taller recently so that's why I appeared so thin. I remember one of my teammates being concerned for me "Woah you're so skinny are you okay?" I shrugged her off as well, telling her that I've just grown recently. A few weeks later, I ran terrible at a meet and my coach pulled me aside after a workout one Monday. He told me that I had gotten too thin and that he would not let me run on the team until I gained weight. I didn't care though, at that point I had gotten so deep into my ED that I didn't care I couldn't run with my friends anymore, all I cared about was that number on the scale. A few months later, I had to be hospitalized, I had bradycardia as a result of my ED and my heart rate was 35. Doctors had told me I was on death’s door. After my stay in the hospital, I was admitted to the Eating Recovery Center residential facility for 3 months for weight restoration. It was a very hard time. I was tubed at one point because I wouldn't eat. I missed running so much though. At the facility I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression and given medication to help. Every day I spent hours in group therapy and would see my family once or twice over the weekends for 2 hours. I remember getting a get-well soon card from my cross country teammates. I was brought to tears. After 3 months, I went to a Partial Hosptilzation Program and then Intensive Outpatient program close to my house. I will never forget how happy I was my first night at home sleeping in my own bed. Then finally, in December of my sophmore year I was able to begin running again. I relearned how much I loved the sport. My freshman year at some point running just became a way to lose weight. Now I did it to experience the runner’s high and the joy of achievement. While I do have moments where I struggle with my eating disorder, I remember how miserable I was and how much of life you miss out on life. I see online and in person just how prevalent EDs are in the running community. It's important to know that you are not alone and there is help out there for you.