Redefining Success: My Mental Health Journey
By Kaitlin McRae | IG: @kaitlin.s.mcrae
In honor of September being suicide awareness month, I wanted to share my story. If you can relate to my story in any way, know that you are not alone, and please reach out if you need support.
Perfectionism has always been a part of who I am, driving me to give my best effort in everything I do. When the lacrosse recruiting process began my junior year of high school, that mindset only intensified. Each practice, workout, and game felt less like an opportunity to grow and more like a constant measure of my ability and worth. The process itself caused a lot of stress, and I put so much of my identity into lacrosse that my happiness felt completely tied to how I performed. If I played well, I felt proud; if I struggled, I felt like I wasn’t enough. Over time, I began to lose my self-worth in the sport, feeling like my value depended entirely on my performance.
Lacrosse wasn’t just a sport to me, it was a huge part of my identity and something I valued deeply and made my top priority. But the pressure I put on myself began to take a toll. I constantly asked if I could do more, be better, train harder. The frustration I carried eventually became overwhelming and led me to self-harm and even have suicidal ideations as a way to cope with everything I was holding inside. It was a period where I felt isolated and like no one could understand what I was going through.
What helped me through this time was the support of my teammates and coaches. They reminded me that I didn’t have to face these struggles alone. They helped me realize that in order to be there for my team, I have to take care of myself first, and their encouragement helped me begin to rebuild both my confidence and my love for lacrosse. I started to let go of constant doubt and focused on setting achievable goals instead of chasing impossible perfection. And I realized that reaching out for help isn’t a weakness, it’s a sign of strength.
Now, I’m on the other side of the recruiting process, playing lacrosse in college, and I’m truly happy with where I am. I’ve found a team and college where I feel just as supported as I did in high school, and I’m grateful every day to continue playing the sport I love in a healthier, more balanced way. Being able to play lacrosse in college has reminded me why I fell in love with lacrosse in the first place: the joy of the sport, the camaraderie, and the shared journey of growth.
The biggest lesson I’ve learned is to give myself grace. I don’t have to be perfect to be worthy. My identity isn’t defined by a single sport, performance, or day, it’s defined by how I care for myself and others, how I keep learning and growing, and how I find joy in what I do. Now, I play lacrosse and live life, with happiness that comes from balance, support, and self-compassion, not perfection.
From reading my story, I hope you take away that your worth isn’t defined by performance or achievements, and struggling doesn’t make you any less valuable. Taking care of yourself comes first, and you can’t fully support others if you’re running on empty. Seeking help and leaning on the support of teammates, friends, or mentors is a sign of strength, and most importantly, it’s okay to pause, reflect, and reconnect with what you love, finding joy and balance along the way.
