I Sought Help When Others Didn’t See It
By Anya Bogdanova | IG: @anyaibogdanova
My name is Anya Bogdanova and I am a former collegiate swimmer for Florida Southern College. My college swimming career was filled with many ups and downs, but my senior year was finally going in a direction that I had been praying for since freshman year. I was feeling the best I had felt in my training since my knee injuries before arriving at FSC in 2021. I was making mini breakthroughs both at practices and at dual meets. To give an example, I was getting last place in almost every race I swam for the 3 straight dual meets against the University of Tampa from freshman to junior year. Senior year, I had the best dual meet races against UT including my main event, the 400 IM, which I was very close to winning the whole race! So, I was making so much progress each day and gave it my all to be a contender for NCAAs. My coaches and some of my teammates noticed the progress as well and were hoping that senior year was going to be my year. But then, everything came crashing down.
At my final conference meet, I was feeling more nervous than usual and I was hoping that I would relax after my first race. Unfortunately, as the days progressed, my swims were still slow (slower than midseason!) and my body felt rigid. It was like I was getting sick even though I showed no visible symptoms other than feeling very weak. It turned out that I was not sick and actually slowly developing a panic attack. I have been a swimmer for over 15 years and this has never happened in my career. So I was really confused about what was going on with me. Nevertheless, as conference progressed, I was getting more frustrated and agitated by the hour. As a result, I started sending negative energy to my teammates. There was a moment when I realized I had to silently walk away from my coaches and teammates because I was in so much distress and needed immediate help. My coaches and teammates were only able to do what they knew about mental health, but unfortunately, it was not enough for the issues I was battling.
When I walked to my athletic trainer and repeatedly told her that I did not want to attend team dynamic warm-ups, it was because at that point, I felt terrified of approaching my coaches and teammates again. That statement made my trainer now heavily concerned about my well-being. I immediately called the National Suicide Hotline and eventually got in contact with my psychiatrist while my athletic trainer was keeping a close eye on me. By then, I was having suicidal thoughts while in a tough battle to stop them…talk about a complicated situation. As I was constantly giving my trainer and psychiatrist frequent updates on my well-being, my body started shaking uncontrollably, and I couldn’t stop crying. After 30 minutes on the phone, the decision was made to remove myself from the competition and go to the emergency room. I basically left the pool deck unannounced, so I don’t know if my teammates were ever fully aware of what actually happened to me. In the end, I was in the Ocala hospital for 10 hours (until 3am!) followed by an ambulance transfer to a mental health facility in Brooksville (arrived at 4:30am), where I stayed for 4 days.
Not only did I miss the last day of conference, but I also didn’t get to swim the 1650 Free and have fun with my teammates. The worst part was that I never got to be in the senior recognition for all SSC teams, with my name not even mentioned for Florida Southern College. It felt as if I never mattered that weekend, even though I later learned that my head coach was heavily concerned about me when I had to abruptly leave. Nevertheless, nobody at the Sunshine State Conference Swimming Championships knew what had happened to a senior who had high hopes for a stellar season but got twisted and instantly taken away because of a severe mental health crisis. This is something that my mind continues to process today.
I have since discovered that mental health issues run in my Russian family. Most recently, my aunt, who had depression, died on March 31st, 2025, from an overdose of her antidepressants mixed with alcohol. She was only 26 years old. As for my own mental health challenges, they first appeared in January 2020 during my junior year of high school and when the COVID shutdown hit 2 months later, it began to worsen. Daily tasks started to become difficult for me and studying as a music education major on top of swimming competitively at FSC wasn’t any easier. While at FSC, I was baker-acted 3 times and I have now been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder [2021], Panic Disorder [2024], & ADHD [January 2025].
It’s always been a constant battle with my mental health, but I have learned how to monitor my mental health. When I felt overwhelmed or my mind wouldn’t stop racing, I paused everything. Whether it’s taking a 1-2 hour nap or heading straight to bed, I’ve learned that giving my brain time to reset is non-negotiable. This approach saved me during my Fall 2024 semester when I got all A’s and only 1 B from my 11 classes, which made it my best semester while in college. I felt proud not only for the grades but also for the fact that I maintained my mental health through it all. I’ve always been smart, hardworking, and constantly on the go; it’s a blessing that I have so many talents and interests.
Nevertheless, it is still difficult today to find friends who truly want to hear me as well as spend quality time together. I have found a therapist where I am able to talk about my feelings with confidentiality so that they are not stored mentally for long periods of time. A lot of times, talking to my friends benefits me greatly if I feel like I want to be with the people I care about rather than contacting my therapist every single time I have a crisis. While that is the purpose of a therapist, I personally would also want to spend time with my best friends, especially the ones who truly cared about me and would never leave my side.
One important fact I learned in my Developmental Psychology class is that research shows asking someone if they’re thinking about suicide can actually reduce the risk of them going through with it. This demonstrates that people care about your well-being and want to be there for you through calm, confidentiality, consistency, and compassion for them. Those 4 things are, sadly, what I wish I had in my life right now and still something I’m trying to understand. A lot of times, people would not say anything to me or even hide statements behind my back because they claim that “they’re trying to protect me emotionally” when, believe it or not, it actually hurts me more. I commit my life to being open-minded, communicative, and honest with the people I care about; sadly, there are people in this world who don’t know how to do any of the three.
I wish the end of my college swimming career was what I prayed for. But I hope this will help other student-athletes recognize that life is worth living for no matter what the outcome is. I can tell you that missing out on the fun, celebratory moments in life (especially as a senior) is just as bad as dying and never living again. Trust me, I have lived through it; you would feel just as much sadness and grief if it happened to you, which I hope it never does. We only have one life so let’s make the most of it!
