Check-In On Your Friends

By: Izzy McGarvey | @izzymcgarvey_

[TW: mental health, SI]

Since I was a little kid, I have been the biggest worrier my parents have ever met. Little did we know I was suffering from severe anxiety. In middle school, I started to see a therapist, which helped for the time being, but then I told my parents I didn’t want to continue therapy. I couldn’t find a therapist I connected with after trying a few before giving up. I started freshman year and began experiencing severe anxiety again, which led to depression. Being the kid I was, I just brushed it off and told myself to be fine. In my head, at the time it was just like when you’re trying to play through an injury on the field. In my typical fashion, the whole year I put on a fake smile and tried to ignore and distract myself from the sadness and worry I was experiencing. At the end of summer before sophomore year, it just seemed to be getting worse and harder and harder to put on a fake smile. I didn’t want anyone worrying about me because I did not like the attention and was embarrassed to admit how I felt. Just a month into sophomore year, I could not do it anymore, I could not fake a smile, I could not hold it in anymore. I would cry in school and out of school. I would go to the bathroom and cry. I constantly isolated myself from everyone. I never talked to anyone in school due to legitimately not having the energy to do anything. I would stay up all night crying and crying, but I made sure none of my family could hear me because I wanted no one to worry.

My sophomore year is when I had my first suicidal ideation due to constantly feeling all this sadness, tiredness, and worry. I felt as if no one needed me here anymore. During sophomore year, my mom noticed how I would never really come out of my room unless it was to go to ice hockey practice or go to the gym or go to lacrosse. Finally, I opened up to her.  It totally scared her and she decided I should see a doctor right away. So, I went to my doctor, and immediately she knew something was seriously wrong since I was typically such a bubbly and happy kid. I took a test and was then diagnosed by a doctor with severe depression and anxiety. I was recommended to a therapist and a psychiatrist as well.

When I was told I would need to take medication, I felt ashamed that I needed to rely on a pill for my happiness because before that I was naturally a happy kid. So at first, I was not in agreement with taking medication. My therapist said it would help me tremendously, but I shut that out and told myself nothing would work.  When I was prescribed, I did not take the medication because I was scared. I talked more and more with my therapist and I felt I could trust her, so I started to take the medication. I wanted everything to work in an instant, so my mind could not understand why these pills were taking so long to work. During this transition onto medication, I met my best friend who honestly saved my life. Unfortunately, during the winter of sophomore year, I did not feel the meds working and I felt as if I was at an all-time low. I just wanted to end it all, and I had another suicide attempt but this time it was with a sharp object and I thought maybe for once I can feel actual pain. In the winter, all I could feel and see was just gray and fuzzy. I stayed in my room while my family decorated our Christmas tree, a tradition no one had ever missed. My parents were extremely worried and it was one of the saddest Christmas memories we’ve all had. My brother realized something was wrong and asked if I was ever going to go back to being the happy, funny kid I used to be. During the winter, I slept on the ground and cried every night, locking my door so my parents wouldn’t walk in on me crying my eyes out.

When my best friend, Ava, realized I was not doing well, she would try and stay on the phone with me every night to try and distract me from my worries and sadness. She made me feel like I had at least one person to talk to and express my feelings to. Unfortunately, I still felt like I was a burden and told myself that I didn’t think I was going to make it to January. It is saddening to say, but I wrote a note saying my goodbyes and thanking individuals for what they have done for me. Ava somehow must have managed to say something to me during those weeks before January, and it honestly saved my life. If it was not for her, I would not be here.

“I can gladly say my best friend saved my life.”

During the weekends of Christmas, Ava would try and make time to hang out, which really helped. The remainder of my sophomore year got better, as lacrosse approached and I finally started to feel the medication kick in. The summer of sophomore year was pretty good. Junior year arrives and I try to go into the year with a positive mindset. But that did not last very long. and I started to feel extremely sad again. Ava, being the good person she is, helped me through it and I had my therapist as well, so I had people in my corner. Spring and summer of junior year I was doing very well, my medication was working great and I finally felt okay for once. Summer going into my senior year was great until a lot of my friends had to leave for college, including Ava. That feeling of seeing all of them leaving really made my anxiety rise and brought me down me mentally. I started to feel my sadness build up again, so I started talking to my therapist more and more. I also got extremely close to 3 girls, Anna, Joey, and Maggie, and have them in my corner now as well.

I still do suffer from my anxiety and depression, but I’ve realized I can beat them. I'm trying my best to keep a positive mindset, have who I need in my corner, and do things to make myself better. No matter the type of battle, I will get through it one way or another. You can live with mental health challenges just as if you were playing a sport; the more time and dedication you put into it, the more positive results you will see.